So Close to the Dream…and Then You Hear, “No!”
Photo by Benzoix for Freepik
Many assume that the hard part of being in executive leadership is actually getting there. Yes, it takes effort and focus during your career. But there is something harder to deal with once you’ve reached that height and it has happened to me and women all over the world.
I was inside my on-line coaching community, listening in on another member’s coaching session, we’ll call her Sam. Sam wanted to know how to deal with the nine (you heard me correctly) “No(s)!” she received after she applied for promotions. She had been with her company for 18 years. She had worked her way up into the executive ranks. But Sam didn’t feel she done. She believe she had more time and skills to offer her employer, and therefore applied for promotions within her executive tier. But she was denied every time. To add, (what I feel is) insult to injury, when she in inquired about why she kept losing out on advancement she was told that she was too niched. That they believed she would never have the skills needed in these jobs. Who knows really if they thought she could learn them. Sam was about seven years away from retirement. She was struggling with what was next for her life.
Recently on LinkedIn Catalyst there was a short video focus on Julia Stewart, Founder and CEO of Alurx. She discussed how, in a previous position, she was essentially doing all the tasks of the CEO. When she spoke to her CEO boss about being his successor he stated, “No.” When she asked why, given she was essentially acting as his defacto, he stated “I don’t have to give you reason.” That was that. Julia Stewart’s dream of being CEO for her longtime employer, vanished.
There are clearly professional decisions that have to be made after your intended career path, suddenly gets cut off. Each decision is personal. Sam decided to stay with her employer, and cease pursuing professional advancement. She weighed her time until retirement, the benefits she received, and the prospect of being the new employee at another company. Sam opted to fulfill her desire to be challenged in her personal life, and not in her professional one. Julia on the other hand, decided that if she couldn’t get what she wanted with her previous employer, she had to get it somewhere else. She eventually went on to become CEO of her own successful business.
Regardless of how the “No” comes and what you plan to do after, it still stings very badly. Unfortunately, for many women (myself included) you start to question your professional abilities and confidence. However, the former and the latter are the last things you should be questioning.
What to Do When You’re So Close to Your Dream and You Hear “No!”
Stay in your feelings. Don’t try to sweep them under the rug. Believe it or not, the faster you feel the feelings and process them, the quicker they will dissipate. Be angry. Be hurt. Be astonished. Be confused. Be stabby stabby (but don’t actually stab anyone!). Just sit in the emotions. However, make sure not to set up camp there.
Remember the truth. You are clearly talented, skilled and confident. If you were not all those things, you would not have gotten this far. Growth is never linear, and plans fail. If you’ve never experienced these, count yourself very lucky! Remember, your dream can only die if you kill it.
You’ll never know the real reason for “No.” Business decision are rarely made based on one criteria. Although Sam may have been told she would never have the skill set for the jobs, that’s bulls*&t. Anyone can obtain a skill set. But rarely will someone tell you, “I just don’t want to give you this opportunity, because I like Sienna better. We prefer male CEOs here. I don’t believe you’ll keep the status quo. I think you’re a threat to my legacy.” How much of an a$#hole do you have to be to say things like this. Not even the worst person wants to be seen in all their a%&hole glory. It’s always easier to cite how deficient you are in your skill set, then tell the truth (because often the truth is illegal or crappy).
Take time to decide what you’re going to do. Both Sam and Julia’s decisions were correct, because they were correct for them. Weigh all the factors that matter to you. You don’t have to explain your professional decisions to anyone (except maybe your partner). It’s about what you can live with, and need.
Make sure your Why is enough. This is constantly reiterated in my coaching community, your why has to be big enough to sustain your decision. Why Sam decided to stay and why Julia decided to go, has to be able to get Sam up in the morning to go to that job that rejected her or propel Julia to start a new business. Just because we make decisions doesn’t mean they’ll be easy.
Congratulate yourself. Getting rejected, pivoting, and keeping your confidence about you is reliance work. You are resilient! That is something to brag about.