“The proof is in the pudding”

Even if you’ve never heard this saying before, many women are living out their professional lives showing their proof. Proof that they’re worthy and up to the job. And we do this by, proving which is a means to show that something is true using evidence. But the proving can go overboard. It can leave you physically and mentally drain as you work harder and harder (and often times too much for too long) in an attempt to show results at every turn. At its worst, it can leave you in a vicious expectation cycle where your staff, colleagues and bosses expect you to keep up this results oriented pace indefinitely. What will eventually become a struggle to do so, will lead you prematurely burnt out. No one wants that, especially you. However the question you must ask yourself is, why do you feel like you need to over prove yourself?

During my mid-career I attended one of my biweekly supervisor meetings. This consisted of my division leader collegues, three women (including myself), and two men, and our department head boss whom was also a woman. We each went around at discussed the status of our divisions projects. What I noticed in that meeting was that us, the women, were making continual strides on our projects. What was interesting is that I felt all our deliveries of this information was crouched in approval seeking tones, as if to say: “See you made a good hiring chioice.” This, despite the fact many of us had been there at least a year and half. Cut to the men’s updates (one of which had only been in their position for a few months), and progress was slow. When our boss inquired of particular tasks to be completed, the answers were a parade of, “Not yet.” Meeting reports like this were not new. However, for some reason on this day I asked myself “Why and I (we) working so hard?”

Obviously, the answer to that question is very personal. What I determined is this over-proving (which by the way had me working more than I should have), was deeply rooted in my life long need for approval. It’s not as if my boss disliked me or believed my work was bad. However, I always believed that any approval was tenuous and had to constantly be earned. I felt the same way about my job status. If I weren’t constantly earning, I would suddenly find myself without one (which had never happened in my professional life up until then). After my inquiry I made a decision. I was no longer going to kill myself anymore for unreasonable results. Rather I was going to let them come naturally in consistent steps in reasonable time frames. Obviously there are times when you need to “put out fires,” but not in the everyday work.

What to Do If You Find Yourself Over-Proving.

1. Ask yourself “Why do I feel like I have to work this hard and keep getting constant superhuman results?” and journal your feelings.

2. Get deeper and ask yourself,

   1. “Do you have an approval addiction? Where does it come from and for how long have you had it?”

   2. “Do you feel like approval is conditional? Why?”

   3. “Do you feel like you have to keep earning? Why?”

   4. “Do you have coworkers and bosses who you believe don’t like you. If so, do you believe your over-proving will change their mind about you? Where did you get an idea like that? What proof do you have that it’s working? Is that enough?” (Michelle Obama said it best: “You cannot prove yourself out of someone else’s mirror if they choose to see you in a negative way.”

   5. “Is this my work culture? If so, is my ‘Why’ as to why I want to stay here enough to withstand the over-proving and potential early burn out?”

   6. “After this inquiry, how do I feel about my answers and how does this relate to my work?”

There is a concept in bread baking called overproofing. When bread is overproofed it collapses in the oven, and comes out flat, deflated, sour, and more fragile-and just not as good. You’ve got a long career ahead of you, and you are in control of the physical and mental energy you need for it. Don’t over-prove yourself. Find the sweet spot to make you happy.

If you liked this article you will like: The Myth of Earned Confidence